A Hallmark Mom-ED
by ZephyrSamba
Summary: The Ed-boys come up with their own holiday as part of their latest get-rich scheme. A 3-parter, with each chapter seen from the perspective of one of the Eds.
1. Terminal Embarrassment and Convenience F...

Edd fidgeted nervously with his bowtie and watched as Eddy peered out from behind the curtain of their makeshift stage.  He wondered for the hundredth time whether Eddy could be diagnosed as a true masochist, or if he really was just completely impervious to embarrassment.  "Okay, it's time," Eddy hissed over his shoulder.  "Double-D, are you ready?"

"Really, Eddy, I think – "

"Stop thinking!  Just be ready!  Ed!  Raise the curtain!"

"Do you think hairballs would stay crunchy in milk, Eddy?"  Now Ed was a bit easier to judge.  Few rays of reality ever seemed to pierce through his protective mantle of obliviousness.  Edd wished that he, too, could enjoy such blissful ignorance at times like this.

"ED!  Raise it, will ya?  We're losing them!"

"Going up!"  Ed pulled on the rope and the curtain came up.  "1st floor – socks, roofing tiles, and artichokes!  Everybody out!"

As the curtain rose, the audience turned their attention towards the stage.  Edd was standing in the center behind a table, sweating and eyeing the wings.  He calculated his chances of making a break for it, realized he'd never make it, and clasped his hands together to cease their shaking.

"Ladies and gentlemen!"  Decked out in an unbearably gaudy leisure suit and his usual tacky sunglasses, Eddy strode onstage.  "Welcome to Ed's Surprising Findings!  That's right, it's everybody's favorite show, where we bring you the inventions of tomorrow, today!"

An "Applause" sign flashed at the top of the set.  Eddy paused, but was met only with impatient stares.

"These dorks have wasted enough of my time.  I'm outta here."  Kevin stood up, but was halted by Rolf.

"Wait, Kevin, do you not want to see the Can't-Trust-Them-As-Far-As-Nantucket Ed-boys make royal yahooses of themselves yet again?  Their antics remind Rolf of his Nano's mentally unstable pet yak, only not as good on toast!"

Why did he let himself get talked into these things?  "Rolf's right, Eddy," Edd whispered.  "This is sure to end in disgrace.  Can't we spare ourselves the embarrassment and call an end to this debacle right now?"

Eddy continued to smile widely as he faced his audience, but he hissed out the corner of his mouth, "Just stick to your lines, will ya?  Get ready!"  Pacing across the stage, he addressed the audience once more.  "Friends, what we're about to show you is going to change your whole life for the better!  How many times has this happened to you?"  As he reached the side of the stage, he gestured wildly towards Edd.  "Now!  Go!!"

"Curse my tractability," Edd muttered to himself.  Forcing a shaky smile, he began reciting his lines.  "My, it looks like it is raining."  He held out an arm and checked an imaginary watch.  "And look, it is time for lunch."  He slapped the back of his hand against his forehead and looked skyward.  "But I don't have time to protect myself from the elements _and_ fix a nutritious and delicious meal, whatever shall I do?"

Eddy took his place next to Edd, apparently oblivious to the smirks on the faces of their audience.  "Why, good day, sir, what seems to be the trouble?"

"Well, I was just remarking to myself how nice it would be if someone were to come up with a solution to that age-old problem," Edd shut his eyes for a brief moment and shuddered, "of what to do when you're both wet _and_ hungry."  He thought longingly of all the other places he could be right now.

Eddy slapped him on the back companionably.  "Good news, sir, your worries are over!  Let me introduce to you," he paused, but nothing happened.  Darting a glance into the wings, he snarled, "ED!"

"Oops!  Ha-ha, sorry Eddy, I was busy counting my eyebrow!"  Ed banged a bucket against his head to make a drum roll noise.

"Er, as I was saying, let me introduce to you – " he pulled from under the table an umbrella whose handle was strung with meat and vegetables.  Brandishing it triumphantly, he exclaimed, "the Shish-kebrella!"  He gritted his teeth and hissed, "Ed, you can stop with the drum roll now."

Fighting down a terminal case of embarrassment, Edd gamely tried to keep up with his lines.  "The Shish-kebrella?  What's that?"

"Only the solution the whole world has been waiting for!  Now you can keep from getting wet in the heaviest of downpours _and_ enjoy a delicious meal, _at the same time_!  Let me show you how it works – "  Eddy tried to open the 'Shish-kebrella,' but it refused to cooperate.  "Ungh…it's so simple…even a child could use it…" He applied greater force, but still the device remained shut fast.  "Just...open like a normal umbrella and…"  He whacked it repeatedly against the table, to no avail.  "Aargh!"  He stopped and glared at the umbrella.  Thrusting it towards Edd, he snarled, "Fix this, will ya?"

Edd glanced uncomfortably towards their openly snickering audience, then looked down at the umbrella poking him in the chest.  "Well, I suppose I can take a look, but I'm not promising anythi – iiiiaaaagh!"  

The force of the umbrella's sudden opening knocked Edd backwards through the air.  Flailing wildly, he flew through the side of the stage, knocking out the ropes that were holding up the curtain.  The curtain thundered down with a crash, bringing with it the wooden "Ed's Surprising Findings" sign that had been hanging at the top of the stage.  Soon the entire set collapsed in a cloud of dust.

As Edd dragged himself out painfully from beneath a shamble of splintered boards, he could hear the cul-de-sac kids guffawing.  "That certainly changed my life for the better."  Kevin snorted as he left his seat.

"Indeed, are you not glad that you stayed to watch the other shoe descend?  Rolf has not laughed so hard since the time angry squirrels invaded his Great Nano's pantaloons!" 

"Maybe I was adopted," Sarah sighed.  "Come on, Jimmy, I just got a brand-new box of crayons, let's go color."

Jimmy clapped his hands.  "Goodie!  I've got dibs on Coral Shell Pink!" 

As the kids departed, still laughing, Eddy's voice could be heard from under a nearby pile of rubble.  "Hmmph.  Like I couldn't see _that_ one coming.  How many times have these stupid gizmos let us down?"

"Once, twice, three times a lady, Eddy!"  Ed tugged both Eddy and the mangled Shish-kebrella out from under a board.  

"Exactly."  Eddy kicked the now-useless Shish-kebrella towards Edd, who was plucking stray scraps of wood from his clothing.  Wood particles could be so difficult to extract once they dug in to the fiber.  "Here, Sock-head, another entry for your failed inventions cabinet.  Bet it's getting pretty full by now, ain't it?"  Edd picked up the umbrella and examined it closely as Eddy added, "You'd better shape up, Double-D, or Ed and I just might have to find ourselves a new genius…"

Edd rolled his eyes.  Yet another blatant attempt to manipulate him through the thoughtless undermining of his self-confidence.  Too bad it usually worked.  "Good luck _finding_ someone of comparable intellect who's willing to work under such appalling conditions, Eddy.  And at any rate, might I point out that I was not responsible for this particular travesty of convenience food?"  He fiddled with the catch on the umbrella handle.

"That's right, Eddy, Double-D said your Shish-kebrella was," Ed's voice pitched higher in a near-perfect imitation of Edd, "'the most mind-bogglingly ludicrous farce of an idea ever to dribble forth from that over-taxed and under-developed sea sponge that you insist upon calling a brain!'"

Eddy and Edd both stared in open-mouthed astonishment.  Edd finally spoke.  "That…was quite impressive, Ed…"

Ed resumed his normal voice and laughed.  "I have no idea what I just said, Double-D.  Ooh, can I see the sea sponge, Eddy?"  He knocked Eddy over in an attempt to peer into his ear.  "I'm a collector!"

There really was no explaining Ed sometimes.  Edd shook his head and resumed his examination of the Shish-kebrella.  "Anyway, Ed's right, I must admit that I felt the creation of this particular device to be somewhat…um…beneath my skills…"  He blushed at his immodesty.  "So I let Ed assemble it.  He seemed quite enthused with his newfound responsibilities.  Ah, here we are – " plucking a chunk of potato out of the umbrella clasp, he nodded in satisfaction.  "I believe this rogue tuber was the culprit.  Starch-based vegetables and easily rusted household items just don't mix, Ed.  Next time, I suggest you apply mineral oil to all metallic surfaces before attaching your comestibles, in order to maintain smooth operation of the moving parts."  He opened and closed the umbrella a few times.

"Never let anybody tell ya they actually understand what you're saying, Double-D."  Eddy shoved Ed away from his ear and sat up.  "But what the heck are we supposed to do now?  Our stage is ruined, our suckers are all gone – we're never gonna get any jawbreakers at this rate!"  If persistence were an Olympic event, Eddy would be a gold medal champion.

"Don't you think we've experienced enough pain and humiliation for one day, Eddy?  Why don't we just go home and enjoy a nice relaxing book?"  Or perhaps some nice shiny objects, he thought, giggling to himself at his insolence.  Closing the umbrella a final time, he handed it over to Ed.  "Here you are, Ed, try not to eat it all at one sitting."

Ed gasped in delight.  "A present!  Thank you, Double-D!  I feel like it's St. Patrick's Day and I am the lucky St. Patrick!"  He engulfed Edd in a big happy bear hug.  "The luck of the Irish has been going strong for centuries!"

"Well, actually, Ed, St. Patrick's Day is a relatively new phenomenon.  In fact, it wasn't even celebrated in modern times until 1927."  He waited to see if Ed or Eddy would catch this blatant misstatement of the facts, but neither said a word.  He wondered what it was like to actually have someone listen to what you said.  "It's yet another example of a heretofore obscure holiday being foisted upon an unsuspecting public for the sole purpose of creating an artificial demand for greeting cards."

Eddy suddenly looked up.  "You mean people can just make up holidays?  And they can get cash that way?"  His eyes began to take on a familiar gleam.

"Why, yes, Eddy."  Surprised and pleased at the attention, Edd counted off holidays on his fingers.  "St. Patrick's Day, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day – in fact, the majority of the holidays we celebrate today – are little more than commercially-generated excuses to garner more income for…"  Edd stopped mid-lecture as he realized what he was getting himself into.  He smacked himself in the forehead and counted down quietly.  

3…2…1…

"Hey!  WE could make up our own holiday!  We'll convince all the kids that it's real and get them to buy greeting cards from us!  It can't fail!!"

Sometimes Eddy could be SO predictable.


	2. Eddy Day and Trying Friends

Eddy glared at his two friends as they sat on his front porch step.  "Come on, guys, how hard can it be to come up with a new holiday?  Just pick something!"  He tapped his foot impatiently.

"Please can't it be Chicken Day, Eddy?  People could send cards to their favorite chickens!"

Eddy scowled.  "In that case, birdbrains like you would be buried in cards.  Get real!  There's gotta be something people would _want_ to celebrate!"

"I still maintain that James Hillier Day would be an ideal choice.  Why, if only more people were aware of the contributions he made by introducing the electron microscope to the world, Dr. Hillier would finally be able to get the recognition he deserved!"

Having a brainiac for a friend could really be trying at times.  "Sure, Sock-head, I can see the cards now."  Eddy made a face.  "'Looking at germs in extreme close-up always makes me think of you.  Happy Microscope Day!'"  He rolled his eyes in disgust.  "Are you sure you're really human?"

"Nope, Eddy, Double-D is a 'homo sapiens,' he told me once!"  Ed pondered.  "Is that anything like a mutant potato?  Ooh, ooh!  I know!  We could have – "

"We ain't having Mutant Potato Day, Ed."  Having a brain dead lump for a friend could be trying, too.  He sighed and stood up.  "I've gotta say, I'm disappointed in you boys.  The most obvious answer of them all has been staring us in the face all day, and it hasn't occurred to either of you."  He shook his head.

"Oh, by all means, Eddy, please enlighten us!  We can't all be as gifted at conjuring up sham holidays as you, you know!"

"Isn't it obvious, Double-D?  For a really cool holiday, you need to have something really cool to celebrate."  He'd been practicing smarmy grins in his bathroom mirror for weeks, and now favored Ed and Edd with one of his best.  "And _what_ could be cooler…than _me_??"

"How about a frozen penguin in a big bowl of snow that's been chilled by a thousand air conditioners and buried in the deepest, coldest spot on the sub-zero ice planet of Kelvitron?" 

"Shut up, Ed.  Well, Double-D?  Whaddya think?"  

"Why, of course, Eddy!  What were Ed and I thinking?  Why would anyone want to commemorate the birth of an important and relevant scientist, or the existence of a flightless bird that provides sustenance to millions across the globe, when they _could_ be paying homage to a person whose greatest accomplishment to date has been to finally make it all the way through 'Titanic' without dissolving into a BLUBBERING BALL OF KLEENEX-WADDING PATHOS!!"

Eddy eyed Edd suspiciously.  He didn't understand all of the words, but he thought Double-D's tone sounded a little cocky.  "You're doing that sarcasm thing again, aren't you?  You know I hate it when you do that."  He looked around more anxiously this time.  "And ix-nay on the itanic-tay thing, okay?  If it got out that I got a little – just a little! – choked up over that movie…" he trailed off, trying hard not to think of all those rich people, all that cash, going down the drain.

"Then please try to be reasonable, Eddy, I don't want to spend yet another fruitless afternoon hard at work on an enterprise that's doomed to failure at the onset!"

Eddy's eyes narrowed.  Double-D had been getting way too uncooperative lately.  "What are you saying?"  He grabbed him by his hat and dragged him down so he could glare at him eye-to-eye.  "You think people wouldn't want to celebrate Eddy Day?!?"

Sock-head actually cringed.  "No offense, Eddy, but…how many people came to your birthday party this year?"

Eddy dragged Edd closer, raising his fist, then stopped suddenly and dropped his hand to his side.  He looked away.  "All right, all right, no Eddy Day."  Raising his fist again, he added, "And there _would_'ve been more people besides just you and Ed – only the invitations must've gotten lost in the mail."

"I'll bet the mailman kept them all to himself to fuel his diabolic Delivery Truck of Doom, just like in 'Disgruntled Postal Workers of the Apocalypse!'"

"Why, of course, Eddy, I'm sure that's exactly what happened."  Eddy was distracted by Ed's outburst, and so didn't notice when Double-D tugged his hat out of his grip and backed away.  "But that still doesn't resolve the matter of deciding upon an appropriate holiday."  His eyes lit up.  "Might I suggest we conduct an extensive study of the properties of the more successful holidays so we can isolate those characteristics that they all have in common?  Why, I could – "

This time Eddy did hit him.  Sometimes there was just no other way to shut him up.  "No, Sock-head, you couldn't.  I'd like to get this over with before I'm too old to spend the cash."  He sat down dejectedly.  "Man, who knew coming up with a new holiday could be so hard?  We're never gonna get any jawbreakers at this rate."  An idea suddenly came to him.  He looked up, eyebrows raised.  "Hey, are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Statistically unlikely as that seems, I believe I am, Eddy!"

"The Force is with me, Eddy!"

The Ed's high-fived triumphantly.  "Jawbreaker Day!"

*****

Eddy stepped back and admired his handiwork.  He suppressed tears of laughter as he beheld Ed, looking like a grinning pink idiot in his papier-mâché costume.  The big lump could be so entertaining.

Ed bounced gleefully as he looked down at his hands and feet sticking out of the big pink ball.  "I am the Jawbreaker King!  Take me to your gravy!"  He started to roll away, but Eddy stopped him.

"Hold still, Big Guy, you're not done yet."  Eddy thought hard.  Something still seemed to be missing.  He snapped his fingers, then painted "Happy Jawbreaker Day" onto the back of Ed's costume.  "There you go, Lumpy!"  He turned to look over his shoulder.  "Hey Double-D, how're those cards coming?"

Edd sat at a table, surrounded by crumpled balls of paper and wearing a mournful look.  "Um…I'll need just a few more minutes, Eddy…"  He wrote down another line, then scratched it out.

"What?  You're _still_ not ready?"  Eddy stomped over in annoyance.  "You've been at it for over an hour, Edgar Allen Pointless, what's the big hold-up?"  He snatched up the paper Double-D'd been working on before he could protest.  "Lemme see that…"

He looked over the paper.  It was covered in Edd's ridiculously neat handwriting, but most of it had been scratched out beyond recognition.  A few lines were still legible, though.  He read aloud in growing disbelief.  "'Federico Fellini is a fine film maker?' 'That thing you put salt in is called a salt shaker??'  'The U. Penn mascot is a red and blue Quaker??'"  He began rolling up the paper as he grated out the final line he could read.  "'I think you're better than _Tammy Faye Baker_?!?'"  He thwacked Edd soundly, wishing he had something larger and heavier than a card in his hand.

Edd put his hands up protectively.  "Poetry is not my forte, Eddy!  I-I just can't seem to come up with a rhyme for jawbreaker that makes sense!"  He looked even more stressed than usual as he plucked at Eddy's shirt.  "Can you think of something, because I just can't!!"

Hands and feet pulled up into his costume, Ed rolled up to the table.  "You're so nice, I wish that I / Could give you a Studebaker / But they don't make those anymore / Instead, have a great big jawbreaker!"  Chuckling, he rolled away again.

Edd stared blankly after Ed.  Eddy dropped the roll-up card and shrugged.  "Well, it ain't Shakespeare, but it's the best we've got."  He called over to Ed, "You're a genius, Big Guy!"  Ed laughed and rolled smack into a wall.

"Now there's a combination of words I never expected to hear."

"Yeah?  Then try this one on for size:  You'd better watch your step, Sock-head, or Ed's gonna take your place!  He can sound just like you, he can build inventions that don't work just like you, and now he can rhyme _better_ than you!"  He grinned wickedly, and called over to Ed, "Hey, Lumpy, how do you think Double-D'd look with one eyebrow?"

"Like a real team player!" came the reply.

"Don't toy with me, Eddy, my confidence is shaken enough as it is."  Edd actually did look somewhat crestfallen as he stood up.  "But, I suppose that Ed's unexpectedly poetic outburst has at least relieved me of this distasteful chore.  Now can we get on with – "

"Not so fast, Sock-head, we still have to _make_ the cards, ya know."  He pushed Edd back into his seat and put a marker in his hand.  "Think you can handle writing down what Ed said, and maybe adding a few pretty pictures?  Don't worry if you can't get _all_ the words spelled right…"

Eddy snickered to himself and counted down silently.

3…2…1…

"Aaaiiigh!!!"  Edd pounded his head against the table in frustration.

Sometimes Sock-head could be SO much fun to mess with.


	3. Bottle-Cap Aliens and Flatulent Pachyder...

Ed laughed as Eddy rolled him down the street in his bright pink jawbreaker costume.  Edd followed, carrying a large stack of cards and trying his best to keep up.  They stopped in front of Rolf's door.

"All right, everyone know what to do?"  Eddy asked.

"As per usual, Eddy, you'll be playing the role of spokesperson in this half-baked attempt to take advantage of Rolf's inadequate grasp of local customs, while Ed serves as the visual aid."  He looked glum.  "I will be doing my best to avoid passing out from shame.  Also as per usual."

Ed bet Double-D was looking so unhappy because he didn't get to wear the costume.  "Don't worry, Double-D, you can be the virtual spade next time!"

"Shut up, Ed.  And Double-D, just be ready with those cards, will ya?  Okay, let's go.  Ed, ring the bell."

"Baa!" Ed shouted.  "Baa, baa, baa!  Anybody home?"

The door opened and Rolf stuck his head through, looking annoyed.  "Victor, Rolf must have silence while he greases Nano's armpits!  Do you know – " his gaze focused on the three standing on his porch.  "Oh, hello, pain-in-the-bolshevik Ed-boys!  Might Rolf grease your armpits for you?"

"Uh, not right now, Rolf.  We just came by to wish you a happy Jawbreaker Day!"  Eddy nudged Ed.  "Now, Ed!"

"Ready and wilted, Eddy!"  Ed withdrew his head and arms into the paper mache ball.  Inside were a number of items he'd accumulated along the way – a feather that tickled when he rubbed it under his nose, half a sandwich he'd found lying on the ground, some bottle caps that looked like they might be crash-landed alien ships from the planet Carbonatria.  He'd just picked up one of the bottle caps and was trying to peer at the aliens inside when he heard an insistent banging on the top of his costume.

"ED!"

"Oh yeah."  Ed laughed.  Abandoning the bottle cap for another time, he rummaged around until he found the envelope he was looking for.  He thrust his head and arms back through the costume, only missing the already-existing holes by a few inches.

"Here you go, Rolf.  Seasoning's Greetings!"

"What is this?"   Rolf took the proffered envelope with suspicion.  He opened it and examined the card within.  "You do not expect Rolf to pay for this unasked-for object, I hope?"

"Of course not, Rolf, don't you know anything?  It's a Jawbreaker Day card!"  Eddy looked astonished.  "Don't they have Jawbreaker Day back in the old country?"

"Rolf knows nothing of this 'Day of the Jawbreaker,' Nails-on-a-Chalkboard Ed-Boy.  Tell him of this strange custom!"

"Ooh, ooh!  Me!  Me!"  Ed waved his arm wildly.  "Jawbreaker Day is when people everywhere celebrate the invention of the turnip!"

"—'jawbreaker,' Ed," Double-D whispered.

"But Double-D, why would jawbreakers want to celebrate the invention of the turnip?"

Eddy sent Ed spinning across the lawn.  "Don't mind him.  A weasel laid eggs in his brain when he was a baby, and he's just never been the same since."

"Eddy, weasels are mammals, their offspring are born li – aigh! "  Ed heard a "whumph!" as Double-D landed on the ground next to him.

Ed watched delightedly as the world continued to spin before his eyes.  He rolled to his feet and bounced back over to the doorstep.  "That was fun, Eddy, do it again!"  

But Eddy ignored him and continued talking to Rolf.  "As I was saying, Jawbreaker Day marks the invention of the jawbreaker.  Exactly 42 years ago today, the very first one was made – it's tradition to hand out cards to all your friends to celebrate!"

Rolf's eyes teared up.  "Rolf is humbled that you would choose to bestow upon him this Greeting Card of Friendship!  Alas, the shame of onions festers in his heart, for he has not prepared for you a card in return!"

Eddy grinned.  "No problem!  You're still new here, we understand."  As Edd stumbled back up to rejoin his friends, Eddy plucked several cards out of his hands.  "In fact, we've got some extras that you can have…for a small service fee, of course…"  Eddy pulled out his ever-present money jar and shook it.  Ed wondered if it was hard to sit with such a big jar in your pocket.

"You are good as Nano's eel and sour milk stew!"  Rolf dropped several coins into the jar, and snatched up the cards.

"Just doin' our part, Rolfy boy.  Hey, I have an idea!  Why don't you come with us to help spread Jawbreaker Day cheer to the rest of the neighborhood?"

"You would let Rolf do this?  A celebration, I say!"  Rolf pulled out a contraption that looked like a cross between a tuba and an octopus.  When he blew into it, it made a beautiful, haunting sound, much like an elephant in gastric distress.  Ed's eyes lit up.

"Oh boy!"  He started dancing towards Eddy, arms raised high.  "That's my hor – "

Eddy ducked.  "Wrong celebration, Ed!  Come on, let's go!"  He ran on ahead.  "Jonny's next on the list…"

Ed ran after Eddy, humming along to Rolf's flatulent pachyderm music.

Eddy stopped short when he reached the playground.  "Hmm, nobody here, maybe he's at his house…"

Ed's gasped in horror as he noticed a brown, fuzzy object shaking in the sandbox.  "Eddy!"  He pointed.  "Giant caterpillars have laid their eggs in the sandbox!  Soon we will all be devoured by their ravenous offspring!"

Suddenly the 'caterpillar egg' raised slightly out of the sand, revealing two wide-staring eyes.  Ed boggled – who knew that caterpillar eggs had eyes?

"Do you think it's safe, Plank?"  Sand slid off of Jonny as he stood up.  Reaching down, he pulled Plank out of the sand.  "Boy, I thought we were goners for sure – elephants can be so violent when they've got gas!" 

Ed tackled Jonny in a big bear hug.  "Jonny!  Plank!  I am so glad you are not an enormous baby caterpillar waiting to wrap us up in cocoons and suck all the juice out of our eyes!"

"Er…"

"Get off him, Ed!"  Eddy pried him away from Jonny and knocked him to the ground.  "Sorry about that, Jonny, no need to be alarmed, Ed just wanted to wish you a happy Jawbreaker Day is all!"

"…"

"I don't know what they're talking about either, Plank.  Just smile and nod…"

Ed rocked back and forth in his costume, but was unable to get to his feet.  "I am a turtle!  Pass the pretzels!"  He felt a tugging on his hands as Edd tried to help him up.

"What Eddy means is – ungh – that we've all come by to convey our warmest wishes for a pleasant Jawbreaker Day.  Unnngh – Ed's manner of expressing himself, while rather unconventional, was heartfelt nonetheless…"  He finally succeeded in pulling Ed up, and stood gasping for breath.

Ed blinked.  Unconventional?  Patiently, he explained, "No, no, Double-D, I am a turtle – not a rutabaga."  He laughed.  Double-D was his friend, but he could be a little dense sometimes. 

Double-D stared at him, no doubt trying to work out the difference between a turtle and a rutabaga.  Ed wondered if he ought to draw him a picture to help, but his attention was diverted when Rolf again blew into his wonderful tubopus.

"Dance the merry dance for the globe of delight, Jonny Wood-Boy!  Rolf, too, wishes you a Happy Jawbreaker Day!"

"Did you guys get into some spoiled wheat germ?  Woo-hoo, I'd like to try some of that myself!"

"Jonny, you can't be serious?"  Eddy looked shocked.  "You didn't know it was Jawbreaker Day?"

"Um…"

"Even Rolf knows about it, and he's not even from around here!"

"Yes, surely Jonny's enormous noggin must be filled with the slobber of a hundred cows, not to not know what day it is," Rolf laughed.

Jonny exchanged looks with Plank.  "Oh, er, of course we knew it was Jawbreaker Day!  We were just foolin' you – weren't we, Plank?"

"Yeah, I knew it, Jonny my boy!  You're a slick one!"  Eddy held his hand out towards Ed, who shook it happily.  "Ed, the _card_," he growled.

"Oh, right!"  Ed pulled a card out of his costume.  "This is for you, Jonny!"  Rummaging around, he pulled out a second one.  "Here you go, Plank!"  He stuck the card in the notch at the top of Plank's head.

"And here is one from Rolf, may it feed your happiness like the water off a duck's belly!"

Jonny looked at the cards and scratched his head.  "Um…Plank, weren't you supposed to buy our Jawbreaker Day cards this year?"  He looked apologetically towards the others.  "Plank says he forgot to buy any, guys…"

"Well, Jonny, you're in luck!  It just so happens that we've got some extras!"  Eddy held out a number of cards.  "Only 25 cents a card, how many would you like?"

"Oh, well, uh – I guess we'll take five, Eddy…"

The coins clinked into the jar, and Eddy grinned from ear to ear.  Ed wished that he could make his eyes form little dollar signs like Eddy's did.

"Hey, Jonny, how'd you like to come along with us and go wish the rest of the kids a happy Jawbreaker Day?  The more, the merrier, you know!"

"Woo-hoo!  Come on, Plank, let's go!"

"…"

"Oh, you're too cynical sometimes, Buddy!  I think Eddy's really just trying to be nice this time!"

As everyone ran towards their next destination, Ed was surprised to see Double-D, panting and gasping for breath, run past him and keep pace briefly with Eddy.

"Eddy, while I must concede that your *gasp* manipulation of Rolf and Jonny through the application *gasp* of social pressure *gasp* met with greater success than I'd expected, might I remind you that *gasp* they're both somewhat *gasp, gasp* of outsiders from the larger societal structure of the cul-de-sac, as are we three?"

Ed felt bad for Double-D.  It must be tough to have to use made-up words when you didn't know how to say something in English.

"Do you have a point, Sock-head, or were you just getting lonely all the way in the back there?"  Eddy always sounded angry.  Maybe it was because he was so short.

"My point *gasp* Eddy *gasp* is that I doubt the combined peer pressure that *gasp* could be exerted *gasp* by this assembled group will be sufficient in swaying *gasp* more socially confident individuals *gasp* like Kevin *gasp* or Nazz, or Sarah, or – "

Eddy stuck out his foot and tripped him.  "Alright, enough!  We'll burn that bridge when we get to it, okay?"

"My mom says I can't play with matches, Eddy!"  As Ed ran past, he grabbed Edd off the ground and dragged him along.  "Couldn't we use horseradish sauce instead?"

"Shut up, Ed."  Eddy must not like horseradish.

They finally made it over to the lane, to find the rest of the cul-de-sac kids engaged in various activities.  Kevin was popping wheelies on his bike while Nazz looked on, and Sarah and Jimmy were drawing on the ground.

"Callooh, callay!"  Ed shouted gaily.  He'd heard that in "Revenge of the Frumious Bandersnatch" once and had always liked the way it sounded.  "Happy Jawbreaker Day!"

As all eyes turned towards him, he wondered what everyone would look like if they were made of cheese.  Cheese was such a funny word.  He bet that the person who'd invented it had trouble saying it without giggling.  "Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese!"  He laughed.

"Um, you can let go of me now, please."  Oops.  He'd forgotten he was still holding Double-D by the collar.  He dropped him to the ground.

"Just what are you dorks doing now?" Kevin glared suspiciously.

"Yeah, don't you guys have some, um, umbrellas to be cooking up or something?"  Nazz giggled.

Eddy was staring at Nazz and sweating profusely.  He looked like he was trying to say something, but nothing came out.  

Edd picked himself up off the ground and picked debris off his shirt.  "W-what Eddy is trying to say, Nazz, is that he wishes everyone a happy…Jawbreaker Day…on behalf of all of us."  Double-D's shirt must've picked up a whole lot of dirt because he was staring at it even more intently than usual.

"Jawbreaker Day?"  Ed tensed as his sister's voice split the air.  "ED!  What are you guys up to?"

In panic, Ed retracted his head, arms, and legs into his costume.  "N-nothing, oh Spawn-of-the-Depths Baby Sister!  I am a good boy!"  He started to roll away, but found himself stopped suddenly.  "Don't tell Mom, okay?"

He peered out through an armhole and saw Eddy resting an elbow against his costume.  "Relax, Sarah, it's just a stupid holiday, okay?  I mean, you _did_ know it was Jawbreaker Day, right?  You're not _that_ dense, are ya?"

"Darn you, Mr. Happy Day Appointment Organizer!"  Behind Eddy, Ed could see Jimmy flipping in dismay through a little book covered in unicorn stickers.  "It doesn't even have Jawbreaker Day listed in it, Sarah!"

"That's because there _is_ no Jawbreaker Day."  Kevin sounded like he did that time Ed had accidentally eaten his bike.  "These dorks are trying to pull a fast one on you."

"No way, Kevin, of course it's Jawbreaker Day!"  Eddy rapped on the papier-mâché jawbreaker.  "Do you think we'd go through all the trouble of dressing Ed up like this if it weren't?"  Ed stuck his arms and head back out of the costume and yelled, "Fahrvergnugen!"

Eddy slung an arm around Rolf and Jonny.  "I mean, come on, even these guys know what day it is, don't ya boys?"

Rolf raised his octopus/tuba instrument to his mouth.  "Yes, indeed, the Ed-boys were kind enough to teach this humble son of a shepherd the ways of your country!"  Before he could blow a note, Kevin stepped up and put his hand over the mouthpiece.

"Dude, you've been had.  My dad _works_ in the jawbreaker factory, don't you think I'd know if a holiday like that were real?"

Jonny looked upset.  "You mean it really isn't Jawbreaker Day?  Boy, Plank, you were right all along!"

"Rolf has been taken for a walk yet again?"  Rolf advanced, pushing up his sleeves.  "These Ed-boys are a bigger pestilence than the Seven-Year Drool Toad!"

Double-D tried to duck behind Ed, but Rolf caught him and held him fast.  "W-what did I tell you, Eddy, there simply wasn't enough collective social pull in the group you'd assembled in order for this to succeed…"  Double-D was shaking the same way Ed had that time he'd tried to wash his underwear by pouring ice cubes and detergent down his pants.

"Next time, try to tell me these things when I can actually use them, would ya?"  Eddy backed away as a very angry-looking Jonny came closer.

"It's a good thing for you I'm such a peace-loving guy," Jonny said.  Eddy relaxed somewhat and started to speak, but was cut off as Plank came crashing down on his head.  "Too bad Plank isn't!"

"Time for my favorite Jawbreaker Day tradition of them all."  Kevin picked a laughing Ed up by the arms and began swinging him around.  "Launching the Jawbreaker Day Dorks into low-earth orbit."

"Ooh, ooh, do me first!"  Ed had never been in orbit before.  All the rocket launches he'd seen, though, had always started with a countdown.

3…

He felt a little jealous when Kevin swung him into Eddy, sending Eddy flying.  Eddy _always_ got to go first.

2…

Double-D looked terror-stricken as Kevin knocked him into the air.  Maybe he was prone to space sickness.

1…

Ed whooped with delight as Kevin swung him a final time and let go.  As he sailed through the air, it occurred to him that he'd better think of something to say in case he met any aliens wherever he landed.

"I am Ed, King of the Jawbreakers!  Take me to your gravy!!!"

Sometimes life could be SO much fun.


End file.
